Let's talk about Resumes. I hate them. I hate writing them. I hate reading them. They are boring, full of half-truths and bloated with gross exaggerations (and those are the good ones) The language is stiff and the buzzwords are noxious (buzzwords are the latest "in" words you need to know in order to impress a potential recruiter. Using these words shows how current and trendy you are).
Unfortunately, you need a resume. Actually you need more than one.
When you are between 21-40, your resume is kind of like your report card. It shows what you've done, how much effort you've expended doing it and allows you to brag about any rewards you have accumulated for your efforts. This is good. This works for most people. However, after say, 45, this report card requires (actually it BEGS for) some editing and finessing to keep you in the "yes' or 'maybe' pile of the HR person who is screening applicants. Proper editing and finessing takes skill. You either have it or you don't. And if you are looking to change professions - which many midlifers are doing - you really really need to know how to "fix" your resume or resign yourself to a life of rejection letters.
Although I often earn extra money writing, and even though my former marketing job was 70% writing - I am not a good resume writer. I lack the necessary bloviating skills I guess. But, I faced my biggest resume challenge when I left marketing, dabbled in odd jobs, and then got a Masters in something unrelated to anything I'd ever done before. Add to that the fact that I spent less than a year in my "new" field (counseling) and never acquired the hours needed for my license. This was pretty hard to capture succinctly (and sanely) on a one or two page resume. I needed help.
There are many resume writing services out there. The web is full of choices. I wanted to stay local. Craigslist is full of resume writers...but I have issues with Craigslist. I looked and looked until I found the web page of a local woman who boasted 29+ years of experience and an impressive list of professional accomplishments. I emailed her. She called me back. I'll call her Sylvia...
As briefly as I could, I explained my dilemma. She got it. This was a good start. She said that what I needed was a "Functional" resume. This, she explained, worked best for people who were making drastic career changes. We made an appointment to meet. Before ending our conversation I asked, "What do you charge?". "$500," she said. Gulp.
I met with Sylvia on a Sunday afternoon at her home/office. She was an older woman - late seventies, maybe early eighties, bright red hair, thin and frail but with a very commanding presence. Her office walls were full of photos of herself with a variety of Democratic politicians...at least we were on the same page politically. After the normal chit chat she ran me through a very long list of questions about all of the jobs I'd had in my lifetime. The questioning continued for over an hour. Sylvia was thorough.
When we were done talking about my past professional life - she started in on what she saw before her. Me. I was wearing jeans, a red sweater and carrying a red and black purse. "Don't," she said looking me up and down, "don't wear red to an interview." Huh? "Okay...but what's wrong with red?" I asked. "It's too loud. Wear dark, sedate colors."she responded. "And," she continued,"tone down that East Coast stuff." Huh? I asked for an explanation. "You're too east coast, " she replied, referring to my personality, "this is the Midwest, tone it down. You'll scare people." She made other suggestions too, "Wear nude stockings, no tint, Don't play with your hair - it's distracting. Wear low heels. Cross your legs at the ankle and sit up straight." (I've never been to Catholic school but this is how I'd always imagined the nuns to be - and Sylvia was Jewish!). In a nutshell I was being told to re-invent myself into the stereotypical Midwest woman (whom I, incidentally, have never met). In order to succeed I would have to adopt someone else's personality, wear someone else's clothes and attached sharp objects to my knees to prevent myself from crossing them.
"When I am done with this resume, " she announced, "you will be surprised at how positively people will respond. You will get interviews. I have a good track record."
I wrote out a check for $500. She told me that for $15 more she could do something "amazing" with my resume. She hit a button on her computer, then hit the print button and produced a dummy resume with a thin black frame around it. wow. I told her I would pass on this extra feature..I didn't tell her that I, too, could hit the "box" icon in Word and "frame" my resume for NOTHING!!!!
Five days later a "proof" arrived in my email. Hmm. Well, I wasn't overly impressed but this was just a draft. I made changes - a lot of them. (Seems she didn't quite 'get' what I done in my jobs. Some of the things she had in the draft were totally untrue. Hmmm) I sent it back. Twenty-four hours later the final product arrived. Hmmm.
A functional resume lists your experiences and skills in clusters. So in my case, everything related to marketing was in one cluster, everything related to counseling and elderly issues was in another. There was even a cluster for jobs I'd had back when dinosaurs roamed the earth - but these lacked details. There were no dates..nothing that could provide clues to my increasing age.
I have to admit - this resume confused me. It did not impress me. I could not understand how it would impress anyone or how it could open any doors. But, I reasoned, I'd been unable to write one myself so maybe this would do the trick.
Around this time an old boss of mine called me about a job opening he'd come across. He gave me the name of the person to contact (a headhunter) and I called her and later sent my resume. Shortly after that I received a call from an independent consultant who was screening the applicants. We arranged to meet at a Starbucks. (Let's see caffeine plus my east coast overwhelming persona...make that a decaf please) We had a great meeting. She provided some useful insight, thought I'd be perfect for the job, warned me about the person I'd be interviewing with and then...."So, let's talk about your resume, "she said. "It's awful. Let me help you fix it."
Sigh.
Over the next few days we doctored my $500 resume so that people who might look at it would be able to understand it. In the end it looked a lot like my old (pre $500) resume but did a better job of taming my wild career swings. Turns out that the consultant also wrote resumes. Her normal fee, $150. She helped me with mine for nothing. That's how bad it was.
I later learned that employers don't like Functional Resumes. Some employers find them irritating. Recruiters and headhunters don't like them either. Neither do people in conservative fields such as banking, finance and law. These resumes are often not allowed on online job boards. Who knew?
Well, now you know.
Lesson learned: It may be best to buy or borrow some resume writing books or look up resume writing tips and examples of resumes online. If your resume is anywhere near as diverse as mine - or if you are wanting to make a drastic career change and feel you need help, shop quality AND price. Ask friends. Ask employment agencies. Please don't ask Sylvia.
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