Lost...not found

When i was small I used to hear people say things like, "Millie lost her mother yesterday." or "Phil lost both his parents." This would terrify me. How did these people, these grown-ups. lose their Moms or Dads? How can that even happen? As I got older I realized that Phil and Millie's parent's weren't "lost" - they were dead. Dead is real. When you're dead no one is going to look for you, or put up flyers on lamposts, or tie yellow ribbons around tree trunks. They're going to to bury or burn you and dispose of you in whatever way is most appropriate (or convenient). And then they're going to miss you...at least some of them will.

In the last decade I have lost both my parents, an aunt and a sister. Collectively I loved them all but individually, I didn't always like them. I also played a role in their demise. I am the Grim Reaper for my family. The person you want around near the end because I am so efficient and rational. I pull the plug. I call the game.I empty the apartments and get rid of the "stuff". I hate the job. But I do it well.

I would guess that if you observed me exerting my medical power of attorney or (minus the official paper giving me that power) my rational approach to arguing "quality of life", you might find me emotionless. You would be right. I do not have a clue where that comes from because I am almost always an emotional mess. But if you get sick and your future is going to suck - I will get in there and fight for your right to go...leave...get outa here because being here will be the worst thing imaginable for you. If there is a chance you can live, be comfortable and find some happiness for awhile, I will fight for that too. Alas, that just never seems to happen.

I don't want this job anymore. Each time I do it, I lose a piece of my soul. In June, after wishing, hoping, and cajoling my Dad to accept that he wasn't going to leave the hospital and go home,he gave up his fight to stay alive. In retrospect I played only a small role in his choice to stop dialysis and all the other interventions. It was really his choice. But I wanted it to be over. Just over. And it is. And I miss him and if I could go back and do it differently, I would. I wouldn't have changed the outcome - but I would have been in the room, holding his hand and telling him how much I would miss him.

This Grim Reaper is officially signing off. Enough is enough.