Reconnecting...for what it's worth

Several years ago I found myself scanning the pages of EBAY in search of - of all things- a Tiny Tears doll. Not just any Tiny Tears..It had to be exactly like the one I adored as a child. The body was rubber, the head was wood, her hair was painted on the wood...and of course, there was that silly hole in her butt cheek where she would "pee". Not exactly anatomically correct - but in the fifties no one questioned these things. (If they had placed her "pee hole" in the proper place she would have been banned. In the fifties it was okay to pee from your butt cheek.) I found a few dolls that looked right at prices that looked wrong. I didn't buy one...I might someday..but I learned that there were lots and lots of us out there looking for our favorite childhood toys. Women and men.

And that's not all we look for...we look for each other. Old friends, old loves, old teachers. There is suddenly some unexplainable need to stop what we're doing and look back. Maybe we want to find out if the once 'oh so popular'cheerleaders are now big and fat. Maybe we want to see if our old boyfriends wives (the ones they left us for) are still in the picture or have become lumpy and ugly. (This lumpy/fat and ugly theme is only relevant if you yourself have aged well). Maybe we are still looking for some closure or vindication or even revenge. Or maybe we just need to hear a familiar voice from a less stressful time in our lives. Let's face it, we've reached an age where people we know are actually dying. We may want to see who is still out there and breathing. Whatever our reasons for seeking out things and people from our past we seem to go at it with fervor.

I have been "found" at least six times. Twice by the same person. Once by my best friend from high school whom I had last seen at my wedding right after college. It's fun to be found. Having her find me (what would we do without GOOGLE??) was actually joyous (a word I rarely use). Being found is like being a rare fossil in an archaeological dig. The word will spread that you have been located and others will seek you out.

In the case of my friend a mere email or a few phone calls were not enough. We needed to physically lay eyes on each other. We needed to hug!! As a result of being rediscovered, three more friends joined our merry little group. We planned to meet. We went to VEGAS!

Now imagine that 35 years have passed since you last saw someone. Are you going to recognize her? Is she going to recognize you? Will this be traumatic? Luckily, in this particular instance time had been more than kind to all of us. We each looked like computer-aged versions of our former selves - but all-in-all, pretty damn good. And we had a great time. We reminisced, caught up, talked about unearthing more old friends to join us "next time". We looked at old pictures and, shopped, shopped, shopped. No gambling. Just shopping, eating, laughing and a show. Three perfect days. Then we all scattered to our various homes and we haven't seen each other since. There were some random emails, some half-hearted attempts to stay in-touch but a lot was happening and we slipped apart again. Two of them still send holiday cards. I never send holiday cards but I sure am glad to get theirs.

Most recently there have been several Facebook "reunions". People our age forming high school class groups on Facebook and inviting former classmates to join. I must get a few invitations each day to become a "friend" of____________. I often don't even remember who some these people were. Did I ever talk to them? Did they talk to me? I cannot locate a copy of my High School yearbook so I have a lot of diffculty responding to a friend request. What they heck, I never was that friendly anyway.

It's been the same with the other people who've found me. The initial rush. The flurry of emails or phone calls. And then we're done. It's a little bit like opening the door to your kid's room late at night just to hear the sound of their breathing. It's enough. It's just enough. Connections count. Especially now.

What does this mean: Respect that part of you...the part that needs to go back. In some strange way it is life affirming. It says "I still matter". It feels good to matter.