Just shut up

"It must be awful to take your kid to jail," she said to me. ""How wierd."Yes," I reply, "It sucks and it's sad."

I should be a pro at this. I've been taking my son to jail, off and on, since he was 14. But you know what? It doesn't get any easier. You don't feel any less sad, or worried or defeated. You feel awful for him and for you. And unless you've been there - you don't get it. And if you're the parent of a "normal" kid - you'll never get it. Ever.

So in case you ever find yourself talking to a friend whose child (adult or otherwise) is going to be a guest of the county for several months, you're probably better off not saying anything. Because most of what you say is hurtful - well meant, but hurtful.

Here are some things you should not say:

"At least you'll know where he is at night."
"Maybe this time he'll learn his lesson and change the way he lives." (Note: people with personality disorders do not change. This is not a possibility)
"This is probably for the best." (Seriously?)
"Too bad you don't have other kids" or (if you have other kids) "Thank goodness you have other kids." (Do you really think having other kids would mean that I wouldn't hurt? Or worry?)
"At least you'll get a break from him." (sigh)
"You need to just let him go. Don't let him back in the house when he is released." (Oh, do you think I'll sleep better if I know he's jobless and homeless?)

It goes on. Same rules apply to things people might say when someone dies:

"At least he is with God." (Well, maybe I don't want God to have him just yet)
"Now he's an angel and he's watching over you." (Um hmm...what are you smoking?)
'She was just too special for this world." (according to whom?)
"You've got to move on. S/he would have wanted you to be happy." (Grief does not have a timetable people...and how do you know what s/he would have wanted?)
"Thank god you have your other children." (see previous paragraph)
"I know just how you feel." (No, you don't.)

A hug. A kind word. An offer to "listen" - those things have great value when people are hurting. Most of the other stuff doesn't.

If you can't hug, or listen then shut up and leave me alone.