Holiday Traditions...my a--

It's that season and once again I find myself focusing on my abject failure to comply with the spirit of the holidays.I am not a holiday person. I wish I were a holiday person because then I would have something monumental to look forward to....going into debt, eating too much, feeling depressed, wearing a butt ugly Christmas sweater. Yea, I long to be that "holiday person". Clearly I am missing out on a lot.

My personal disdain for the holidays transcends the usual complaints. It springs, not from the "people have forgotten what Christmas is about" school, but instead from the "every freaking November and December something crappy happens to me/us" school. The approach of Christmas and Thanksgiving is cringe-a-fying.

Don't get me wrong - we do have traditions. They begin in November when I start whining my holiday mantra: "I HATE the hoidays..I hate the holidays". Now you might feel like pointing out that I create, or even invite, holiday miseries. Believe me I don't. By late Novemember I allow myself to begin to think that maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. Still waiting.

Things usually begin to fall apart right before Turkey Day. Most often this involves my son. He has a knack for messing things up but since we are not genetically linked, you can't blame this on me. But you can try. Go on. I can handle it.
Something happens to his brain in late fall...it usually ends up with him being in some awful kind of trouble...which often results in costing us $$ and landing his sorry ass in jail. For the last 3 years he has missed Thanksgiving dinner because he was mad at us. He is usually mad because we have uncovered a lie, found valuable things missing or are waiting for the court to lock him up (the first and third items apply to this year). He isolates himself in his room, refuses to eat and then gobbles up all the leftovers once we've gone to bed. The first few times this happened I begged, cajoled, pleaded and even cried. This year, weary of the monotonous routine, I took away his place setting and we ate quite well without him. It was pleasant. Next year I'm not cooking - I can still make reservations with the best of them. And he won't have anything to eat while we sleep. So there.

I have a lot of friends who shop on Black Friday because it is a family tradition. some say it is how they get in the holiday spirit. So, in the off chance that it would work for me, I tried it one year with my niece. The temperature was 14 degrees, the wind chill was minus whatever,shoppers were grumpy,lines to check out remninded me of the snaky lines at Disney World. I was hungry, loopy from no sleep and not up to fighting over a "limited supply" of sequined thongs. (Wouldn't those sequins hurt?) I never tried it again. I still shudder when I think about it.

Christmas creates other issues. Like decorating the house.I have fantasies of putting up a tree with my husband and son. I have had these fantasies for years; they have never materialized. No one cares about trees, or sparkly shit, or wrapped boxes. Back in the 60's and 70's when I chose to embrace my Jewish side, decorating was not an issue. When I decided that my Italian side might have more fun, the urge to decorate emerged. Like my mother before me (she was Italian) I experimented with theme trees, monochromatic trees, angel trees and animal trees. Like bad gas, each of these phases passed away quietly...and yes, some of them stunk. A few years ago, sick of trying to ressurect and assemble the artificial tree by myself, (I have spatial issues...my fake tree always looked wrong)I went out and bought a small aluminum tree, pre-lit, no assembly required. Loved it.
Still no help from any one in the house. No enthusiasm. With each ornament I hung I would grow progressively angrier. This anger became so obvious that the little aluminum tree was given a name, "Mandy's fucking silver tree". It's box is labeled that way - in case you ever need to locate it. Pride of ownership.

Aside from family lethargy Christmas has always been a holiday I associate with my Mom. It was her favorite. She proved that by crying from Dec 1 until Christmas night. She missed her mother, she missed me, she couldn't afford to buy gifts, she hated living in the south, she missed snow....well - you get the picture. Then, as if by a decree from the universe,and after 13 years of struggling with Alzheimer's she became quite ill one year - the week before Christmas. We put her in a hospice on Christmas day. There isn't much humor in that - even for me...but the staff did decorate her. Really. They put burgundy ribbons and fake holly berries in her hair and painted her toenails bright red. I would not have been surprised to find a string of mini-light attached to her urine bag. Those hospice nurses have a compelling need for fun.

Opening gifts. Well, I'm married to a wonderful man with an emotional range from 1 - 2 on a scale of 1 - 10. You can't expect much enthusiasm from him. My son, mister passive-aggressive, wouldn't give anyone the pleasure of seeing him happy or excited either. My ex husband, a permanent guest on all holidays, is able to display a little more emotion - but only when compared to the other two characters. My dogs are probably my best holiday partners. They love the tree - it's just the right size for leg lifting. They love the gifts - did you know that a puppy can rip open a gift box in under 30 seconds??

My neighbors go caroling at Christmas.(Who feels like singing when it's 15 degrees and you can't feel your feet?) I have friends who stuff the family into the SUV and drive around looking at holiday lights. Some get together and bake. I don't bake (see earlier blog entry). If I have any tradition I associate with the holidays it's probably watching A Christmas Story wherever I can find it on cable. I still want that leg lamp. It might be nice to find a real tradition, create one I mean. But I'd have to do it with my dogs and they'd rather nap. Come to think of it...a Christmas nap might be the one thing I can successfully pull off and look forward to.

So as I crawl through the plastic merriment of this holiday season I will watch others around me having fun - or pretending to. I have been spared the agony of receiving gifts from distant friends and relatives by instituting a "liberal" tradition of donating to food banks in other people's names and asking that they do that for us. Last year my brother and sister in law bought a goat in our name to give to someone in Africa. I adore goats, so this was doubly meaningful. I wonder if the recipient makes goat cheese, cause I LOVE goat cheese. Hey - I guess that IS a tradition. At least I can be proud of it. Someone is eating instead of opening a box filled with Snuggies or chia pets (although the Obama one is tempting....)

This season will pass. By New Year's we'll all be focused on the hope that 2011 will bring better things. I highly doubt this because Dick Cheney and Carl Rove are still alive, Sarah Palin is growing richer and more awful by the second, Ann Coulter still sells books, and the Republicans are in charge in Congress. Hard to imagine any of that turning out well. But, who knows. One thing is for sure, I won't be in debt, I'll still be a size 4, my son will be in jail and the Wisconsin Badgers will probably be in the Rose Bowl. Gotta be thankful for some things, ya know.