Nothing to Prove....at last

Most of our lives are spent trying to prove something to someone...or something to ourselves. Some of us set out to be the best Mom (oops I blew that one) or the best social worker or the most incredible cook. We look for accolades, job advancements, admiration from friends and family..whatever turns our crank. Our need to prove something drives us to work too hard, or too late, or too much. It's exhausting.

And then...as if by some magical spell, we stop. Or at least I did. In an epiphanous moment I realized that I no longer HAD to prove anything to anyone. It neither mattered (if it ever did matter) nor held a place of prominence in my life. I was suddenly free from all the BS I had heaped upon myself. I could breathe.

Not having to prove something gives you freedom to do whatever you want...even if you don't want to do anything. It's all okay. And I really believe that THIS is the key to successful reinvention.

I have reinvented myself into an Inert Being. My struggle to allow myself to simply drift through my life has been, in many ways, the hardest thing I've ever done. When people ask me what I "do", I usually say, "Nothing." And then I smile. It's kind of off-putting. I kind of like the way it makes people squirm. I am basically evil.

Now don't get the impression that I sit all day and stare at a wall. If I did that I'd be an inpatient at the local funny farm. No, I actually do things, but they aren't "meaningful" or "productive" in the sense that they used to be. I work part time as a caregiver, occasionally volunteer for a Hospice, and I have developed specialized skills in the area of puttering. I clean out closets, try out different crafts, waste time on Facebook,shop aimlessly, cook, and clean. It's a yawn. But it's MY yawn and I don't make excuses for it.

I've stopped visiting websites that instruct women on starting new careers (been there, done that, didn't work out). I just flow with the day. But, the best part is, I no longer battle with the "shoulds" and "have-tos" of a few short months ago. I don't care what I "should" do and, as for the "have-tos", who says I have to? Certainly not me. I have less and less guilt about this. It's very Zen.

I'm not sure I will stay this way forever. I will eventually get bored or restless because it is my nature. But, I believe that sitting on the tarmac like a jet waiting for clearance to take-off is a good thing. There is plenty of quiet time for inspiration...maybe even revelation. I may actually find out what it is that interests me, that fires me up. This will happen while I do nothing. I know it will. Just watch me.