Remember when birthdays were traumatic? The big FOUR-O, the big Five-O...and yes, even the way too big SIX-O. To ease through these passages, I always relied heavily on friends. Friends understand. They cheer you on. They tell you how "great you look" and don't add, "for your age". They take you out for drinks, chocolate cake and help you realize that it ain't all over. That's what friends are for.
But in the past few years I've noticed that a growing number of merchants are also eager to express birthday wishes. I get emails, postcards, and letters all wishing me a "Happy Birthday" and sending me a "gift" to honor my special day. But these "gifts" have a catch. They require that I spend money. In exchange for spending money, I get a discount!! Oh wow. How is that a present? Seriously. This year my local hardware store offered me $5 off a $50 dollar purchase. Macy's offered me free shipping. My handy-man offered me 10% off my next service over $200. Sephora promised a "free gift" if I came in ..but...who can go to Sephora without blowing big bucks??? That's just a few examples. I totaled all the money I would have to spend if I took advantage of all the generous offers I received. It exceeded $400. I'm an amazing shopper. I can outdo that loaves and fishes thing in the Bible by a mile. So I could really have fun blowing $400...but not just to get a discount.
A percent off is not a gift. Nah huh. That's no way to get me into your store. Shame on you. If I want to buy myself something it will be on my terms not yours. Your merchandise is marked up so much that you already GET the better end of anything I might spend. So there.
BUT WAIT - There were two merchants that rose above this. They bear mentioning. They got it right. Borders offered me a FREE small coffee or tea. I did't have to buy anything. And the local gaming casino put 2500 points on my frequent gambler card. There is now a warm spot in my heart for these guys. I don't normally shop at Borders but I might in the future. I have lost more than 2500 points (that's $25) at the casino many many many times - but I will do so again, gladly. They get it. All is not lost.
But, back to birthdays..At this time in my life I am grateful just to have them. I am likewise happy to remember the good ones...like my 50th. That celebration went on for weeks. (Everyone wants to do SOMETHING for your 50th). I had my first "blow job" at 50. No - not that kind. The other kind. (Don't feel bad, I'd never heard of the other kind either) The girls from work took me out. We went to bars. Flirted with boys (yes, boys - individuals with penises who were under 30). One of these boys promised me a "blow job" if I would kiss him. Well - hell yea!! I grabbed that guy and flung his upper body over the bar and planted a BIG ONE - tongue and all. I'll bet he still remembers it. In exchange for showing him how a real woman kisses, he handed me a shot glass with a lot of cream on top and some cafe au lait colored liquid underneath. (Turns out this is Baileys and Amaretto). He and his friends told me to put the creamy end of the shot glass in my mouth (are you beginning to see how this drink got it's name??), my hands behind my back and to tilt my head back and swallow. (I NEVER swallow the other one...just for the record) I did it. Oddly, I remember this part of the evening more clearly than I remember anything else that happened that night. I was drunk. Yep. Drunk. But happy.
I turned 60 in Las Vegas. We went with friends. The trip was not without incident. Friends fought. My husband got too drunk, too often. But the celebrating part was good. I had a tiara that was glittery and had a large 60 on it. A birthday button that lighted up. ALcohol flowed freely (I mean "FREE" -ly). I lost each time I gambled but I didn't care. I shopped and shopped. I never dropped. I sat up front at a Second City performance and got to be included in the show. I came up with some badass answers and got a few laughs. Yep - I was shining! Some parts of this trip were free (the hotel room for instance) but most were not. The "free" had nothing to do with my birthday. I had fun. As Agnes Gooch from Auntie Mame would say, "I lived."
The in-between birthdays don't really rock. They come and go quietly. I suppose I should be grateful for the greetings I receive from merchants. It's such a warm and fuzzy feeling to know that a computer spit out my name and sent me a birthday wish. It makes me special. I'm thinking that the only birthday "gift" a merchant could send me that would having value would be a percent off my age. "Come in between January 1st and Janury 15th and get 20% off your age!" That might do it. The next big birthday , although far away, begins with a "7"....a percent off that might work...it just might work.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment