Due to Technical Difficulties...

My 85 year old Dad called me last week all excited about his new "toy" - a webcam. "You have to get one!" he insisted. "When you get one we can Skype each other and then it will be more like a visit than a phone call."

I was silent. Stunned. Six weeks ago my Dad was still struggling with the challenge of sending attachments with his emails. Now he was "Skyping". How could this happen? How could an 85 year old man who still uses Wordperfect have come this far in so short a time? What would I have to do to catch up with him...or could I?

Like many people of my generation, I am technically disabled. Trying to teach me to use features, programs or apps (whatever those are) is a lost cause. You might as well be speaking in tongues. No comprendo baby. This applies to any technology I use, computer, cell phone, GPS gizmo, iPod and almost anything involving hooking something up to the television.

The extent of my technology accomplishments are minimal. I can turn on my TV, I can actually set the DVR to record (although I haven't mastered how to stop it from recording reruns). I can call and receive calls on my cell phone. I recently perfected some arcane form of texting...but I don't think it's the right form. Doesn't matter I guess. I struggle to find the phone's camera function and then to locate the picture after I take it. Eventually I find the picture...but the discovery is always preceeded by a lot of cursing.(The manual doesn't say anything about cursing...how strange) I dropped my phone internet service because I just couldn't figure it out. We have a family GPS. I can follow it's instructions BUT I cannot program it. I also get mad at the GPS voice when she talks to me. Too creepy. She has attitude. It's personal. I believe I have mastered my iPod. I am very proud of this. Just don't ask me to plug it into my car and play it through the radio. My computer skills are a tad above the "basic" level but there are so many things I don't understand and cannot master that I often wish I could start over. It's hard to unlearn bad things.

Have you ever been sick as a dog, gone to the doctor and miraculously been cured in the waiting room? Then you can relate to this: I had a cell phone problem. I couldn't turn the damn thing off. (I pressed and pressed the little red phone icon and nothing happened. I had friends try; they failed. In the end my "fix" was to remove the battery to achieve silence. The first time it happened, I wrote it off as a freak occurrence. But it wasn't. Shutting the cursed thing off wasn't possible. With no desirable options left, I got in my car and drove to the AT&T store. Not looking forward to this visit. I would rather have a root canal without anesthetic than go to the AT&T store.

The sales reps were converged at the back of the store, a single bundle of twenty-somethings hovered around a computer. Two boys, one girl. No grown-ups. I almost turned around and left. But, the girl spotted me. "How can I help you?"she asked. "I can't turn off my phone." I replied. "I've tried everything...I had to remove the battery." She stared at me quizzically and then turned and looked at her cohorts. I don't know if she rolled her eyes, but I am going to assume that she did (They always do). Then she asked me the DUMBEST QUESTION of the day, "Why do you want to turn it off?". Now I just stared at her, hoping she would say something to redeem herself. She didn't. This generation cannot imagine a reason to untether itself from an electronic device! How scary is that?! Anyway, she waited for my answer. "Uh...well people frown on ringing phones in the theatre, at movies, at church (where I never go - I just assume it would be disruptive) maybe even funerals..." "Oh," she answered taking the phone from my hand and touching the same damn red icon that I had touched, pressed, pushed and caressed...and the phone politely shut down. She returned it to me. She was smiling. I wanted to smack her. I didn't.

"You just press here," she explained. "I did," I replied defensively, "and so did a few others..it would not shut down." She again turned to her co-workers (eyerolling???) who were all grinning. She said nothing. "Is there anything else I can help you with, Mam?" she asked. "No," I answered. (That "Mam" thing really got to me...) I turned and left feeling dumb and dumber. Four hours later I tried to turn off the phone and (you guessed it) nothing happened. Over the weeks I studied the problem and figured out that there is an infintessimal spot on the tiny red icon where I have to apply pressure (sort of like the phone equivalent of the "g" spot)...if I don't hit the spot, nothing happens. It doesn't say that in the manual...and she didn't mention it either. Bitch.


I can't get help at home. At least not helpful help. My husband is worse than I am. He's out. I apparently did not teach my son patience and tolerance. No sir. He just doesn't understand WHY I don't get it right away. (Just like he doesn't understand why he doesn't get the money he asks for right away. Proof of life's yin and yang)He instructs me in a shorthand I don't understand, at a pace I can't follow, and with an edge of disgust in his voice. A mighty pleasant experience...mighty pleasant. Being a Boomer in the age of technology just isn't fun.

I fantasize about finding some gentle soul who could/would mentor me. Guide me. And most of all, have patience with me. Alas, this person does not exist - or at least I haven't met him/her. As I see it I fall a little further behind technically everyday. Catching up may never happen. There is a ray of hope though. At the rate my Dad is going he may be my best bet. Maybe I will get a webcam, learn how to Skype and ask Dad to.... Naw....I think I'll just hit the Genius Bar at Apple and order a strong drink instead.