Got Soul Mate?

Somewhere along the line someone decided that we all have "soul mates". A soul mate is the ONE person with whom we have a deep connection, someone we are fated to be with, someone who completes us. Have you found yours? How's that working for you?

It's been my experience that whomever we are dating, whomever we are currently in love with is the person we refer to as our soul mate. When this relationship ends or drags on and becomes mundane and boring, we re-consider and search, yet again, for that one individual we were meant to be with.

I personally have had several people whom I believed (at the time) to be my predestined other half. I married a few of them and dated the others. As for that feeling of "completeness", it lasted a few years each and every time. From this I have concluded that soul mates are no more viable than the Prince Charmings in the fairy tales. Beauty found her soul mate in a Beast of a man (Aren't they all, in the end I mean?) Cinderella found her soul mate (or is that sole mate) when a good looking guy slipped a breakable shoe on her delicate little foot. Of course there is always the Governor of South Carolina who found his soul mate on the Argentine Applachian Trail. Ever wonder how these stories played out (or will play out). Betcha that once the drama is over and the day to day stuff of life takes over, the fairy tale ending changes....Real life isn't a Fairy Tale....I am so cynical.

A few years ago in Arkansas, some avid birdwatchers, long on a quest for the elusive and possibly extinct Ivory Billed Woodpecker, were convinced they had located the bird. People came from all over to help search and although they claim to have not only spotted but filmed the bird, conclusive evidence has not been found. And still they search. Soul-mate hunters are no different. While it is hard to produce conclusive evidence of the Ivory Billed Husband/Mate a legion of women still believe He exists. Midlife does not dampen the soul-mate quest. For some women I know midlife only intensifies the search. After all, time is short. If he IS out there the need to find him drives some women to the brink.

For a few of my friends, the need to believe that they have snagged Mr.Wonderful has blinded them to any flaws or cracks in their mates' veneers. The need to convince themselves that He is The One meant only for Them borders on hysteria. The quest to have the perfect marriage overwhelms any grasp on reality. And then, years later, when he turns out to be Mr. Not-So-Wonderful their fantasy worlds are shattered. And they resume the search for the elusive soul-mate. Why do this to yourself????

I have a few friends/acquaintances who swear they are married to their soulmates. Good for them. I, an astute observer of reality and finder of facts, know that some of these perfect relationships have deep flaws. No one is perfect. Souls wear out. Souls have holes.

And what about mature men? Quick name five men whom you know who are searching for their soul-mates...okay, then name two. Difficult? Yep. In general men don't harbor the same illusions as women. They appear to have fewer needs and fewer expectations. They are far more pragmatic and far less likely to be disappointed. Men are basically simple. Once they're done screwing their brains out and decide to settle down, they look for someone they love, might want to have kids with someday and who won't embarass them in front of their friends. A few might even look for someone they can actually talk to. (Don't count on this) Simple wants for simple creatures. "Honey, bring me another beer", seems to meet most of their relationship needs. (Now that I think about it, maybe this is why men die sooner. No fire in the belly, just beer)

So what's a woman to do? Give up? Naw, that would be foolish. Giving up is wrong; getting real is highly recommended. We're not teenagers. We know by now that "happy endings" means something totally different than being swept off our feet and riding into the sunset. We know there is a second act. At 40+ it might be wise to concentrate on the second act and write off the first act to fairy tales and little girl fantasies. The second act is what matters. The second act is real.

As the curtain rises on the second act women are more grounded. We have a much better idea of who we are and who we want to become. To accomplish our "becoming" we need a strong partner. A good friend. A person who finds joy in watching us (shall I say it?) self-actualize. A person who is always there when we need him and who loves us with morning breath and finds us beautiful even with a saggy tummy and cottage cheese thighs. Of course, it doesn't hurt if this person still makes our toes curl and yell out for God when we make love. (But even if he doesn't, there is something to be said for quiet, familiar and cozy love-making.)

The man in the second act is probably the closest thing a woman will find to approximate an authentic soul mate (as opposed to a fantasy one). After all, He's still here and still involved. He knows us. We can still count on him and he on us. Our partnership is strong. If all this exists after the passion and intensity has waned, then maybe, just maybe, this is what we should be thankful for.
If we want to call this guy a soul mate, then have at it. They are only words. We give them meaning. Words don't hold a relationship together, love does.

Of course, you can always get a dog.